Get Stuffed.

Emma & Brian’s Guide to How to live a soap opera life

1. Get married. As much as possible. It’s not forever. It’s just a starting off point until someone better comes along. Then you can marry them instead. Try to remember to get a divorce between ceremonies.

2. Have many babies. With many different people. If you’re barren, steal one. Or, if you have money, bribe a surrogate mother. You can wear padding around town and no one will ever know. If you are unhappy with your baby, switch it. All you need is some hospital attire and a DNA tampering kit. See, easy as wearing that fake padding for 9 months.

3. Bring people back from the dead. Claim they moved to Europe or better yet the Middle East. Altering their face so no one recognises them can also help with the transition back into the Western world. If you yourself have died, cheer up! There is a good chance you too can return from Afghanistan with a new face. Be careful that your old face doesn’t return to take your place.

4. Stealing someone else’s boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/father/mother is acceptable as long as it’s done in the name of ‘love’.

5. Cheating is OK, too. But try not to get caught. Always use a condom. If you don’t, best to refer to rule number 2.

6. Do not learn your lesson. Repeat: Do not learn your lesson. It makes life way too easy and way too boring.

7. Do anything to tie a man down. Fake a pregnancy, kill or kidnap the girl he really loves, beg, have a break down, fake a suicide attempt, trick him into marriage. Remember, its only temporary if you change your mind.

8. If you murder someone, chances are you will be let off due to a crafty lawyer, surprise witness, or an unseen twist in the case. However, if you’re no longer popular, you will go to jail. Try not to kill again. Unless you have to.

9. Got a long lost twin? No? You’re about to get one.

10. If you are searching for someone, chances are they’re at the Hospital having coffee, visiting a friend who has a rare disease for which there is no cure, switching babies, waking from a comma or unplugging your girlfriend’s life support. Opps! If you work at the hospital, chances are you will have to perform brain/heart/cancer surgery even though you just became a GP three weeks ago. You may also be required to swap embryos. If so, it is best to become the Chief of Staff first, so wait an additional two weeks.